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Dodge City Daily Globe - Dodge City, KS
  • Jeff Vrabel: Why is everything in my house wet?

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  • Let me walk you through what happens when you arrive home to find your house is flooded. (Before we start, please put on these galoshes.)
    First, you walk up to the front door and notice an unusual puddle near, under and over your WELCOME mat, and then you freeze cold in your tracks. You look at the puddle in the approximate manner of a dog regarding a chew toy, and consider it with suspicion and distaste. Your brain cannot instantly process why there is clearly water where water does not belong, so it launches itself into an amazing series of theories, none of which make the least damn bit of sense. To wit:
    ďHmm, maybe it rained?Ē (Your brain knows it didnít rain, so this idea is dumb.)
    ďMaybe a pipe burst under the house?Ē (Your brain known this is a possibility, but it also knows there would be water on the ground if this were the case.)
    ďMaybe someone power-washed the house and this is whatís left?Ē (This is a ridiculous theory and your brain is an idiot.)
    ďMaybe naughty water-nymphs were playing on my front porch and left a mess?Ē (This is actually the best idea your brain comes up with.)
    But once youíre done dumbly trying to understand the confusing evidence before you, you get out your keys and open the front door and start hearing splooshing noises and everything comes into clear, horrible focus. This was the story at my once-lovely and now soggy home, where a small pipe burst underneath a bathroom cabinet, sprayed with the tenacity of a fire engine for several hours, and left a good amount of standing water all over everything. (Incidentally, the next thing that happens after that involves you shouting an awful lot of words at the sky, words that you do not generally find in newspapers in the section that contains Dagwood and the Jumble.)
    The weird thing is how not-weird this story seems to me. Most of the folks I tell about our soggy adventure have a parallel story: Oh, that happened to my mom/roommate/brother/cousin/yoga instructor/whatever. There are apparently a LOT of bursting pipes across America these days, which leads me to wonder if thereís something going on. Naturally Iím suspicious of dolphins. (IMPORTANT READER SAFETY NOTE: If there is a thing in your house through which water flows, GO LOOK AT IT NOW. Bring a flashlight, tap the pipes lovingly, give them encouragement and pep talks, whatever, just PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. Pipes need your love. Because when they get angry they can be huge giant jerks.)
    But things arenít so bad. The couches now have cool, artisanal and 100 percent authentic hydro-designs on the bottom of them. The bottom of the kitchen cabinets have rarely been as clean as they are now that actual water has touched them. (In our defense, it is hard to reach under there, and also itís gross so naturally weíve adopted a policy of ignoring them.) Iím no longer nearly as obsessive-compulsive about crumbs on the floor, because the floor is gone, which saves me ALL sorts of stress when feeding a 2-year-old soup. Best of all, since they had to tear up all the floors in the house, we have cool mod concrete slab flooring everywhere. Itís like living in a German art museum! Well, a soggy one.
    Page 2 of 2 - In addition to floors, Jeff Vrabel needs a new welcome mat. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.

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