‘Y'all are going to hell for laughing at that’

Friday night's comedy night at Central Station proved that Dodge is not without a segment of the population whose minds dwell in the gutter. I've got to say, I'm relieved.
    Folks who appreciate that sort of lowbrow comedy make me feel a little closer to home. But as I was there, snickering and imbibing, I wasn't sure if anything that came from the stage would be eligible for print in this reputable family news publication.
    So, I'll tiptoe around the unprintable and give you fine folks some of the less offensive highlights.
    The laughs started when Tennesseean Josh Phillips took the stage and began to flirt with some of the front-row spectators in his own special way. The words "lewd" and "misogynistic" come to mind but, somehow, comedians are able to get away with that.
    After swimming in the glory of his oversized gut (he was a large American), Phillips got into a bit about the dangers that briefs pose for those of us who are overweight. Ouch.
    "I know why they call them briefs," Phillips reflected. "Because you put them on and they stay in place BRIEFLY."
    Phillips continued into a bit about the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain and how "country" it is. He said it was almost as country as a retail product he thought up: "the EZ-Bake mobile meth lab."
    Then after bits about his love for mega-retail conglomerates and the convenience they afford those in his weight class and (ahem) reconstructive surgery, he warned the crowd, "Y'all are goin to hell for laughin' at that."
    The show got even more "country" when headliner Monte Allen of Waldo, Fla., got up on stage. He talked of doing shows in Tornado Alley and how residents of the region made fun of him for overreacting to tornado sirens.
    He said he once tied his belt to a stop sign and told nature to do what she would while a truck passed by, with the driver pointing and laughing.
    Allen also made fun of small (he meant really, really small, apparently) town life as well. He said of the town of Paducah, Ky.: "You know a town's really hillbilly when the ATMs spit out Marlboro miles."
    The comic, whose shirt read "Stupid Drunk," told the crowd of his insurance difficulties after he rear-ended a tractor in a field.
    "I had a scarecrow in my passenger seat," Allen said. "I told him, 'You're a good scarecrow. When the cops come, I'm gonna tell them you were driving.'"
    Allen's encore consisted of what he called "true stories," though if they were, his shirt rings truer than it should.
    He said while on tour one year, he came back to his hotel room and tripped over the rug, only to find screws to what seemed to be a box under his floor. Under the drunken assumption that it contained buried treasure, he began to try to open the box.
    He found out that it wasn't and went to bed. When he went to check out in the morning, he noticed the people in the room below him were registering a complaint, so he asked the staff about it and they said, "Last night they had a chandelier fall on them."
    He got out of town as quickly as possible.
    And there was a blind-designated-driver-story. No comedy routine is complete without one of those.
    Central Station hosts a comedy night every six weeks, so look for the next one in late August or early September. Break a leg, Dodge City.