It’s So Hot and Dry that…

Steve Gilliland
Special to the Globe

Those of you that know us at all are aware that Joyce and I absolutely hate the heat of summer.

My dad was just the opposite; in weather like we’ve had the last week, he would have had windows open and MAYBE the ceiling fan going, but certainly not the AC.

I keep thinking that as I get older, I’ll get more of his love for the heat. But nope, the older I get, the worse I hate it. I feel tired and drug-out by mid-morning, have absolutely zero energy and the only joy I get from days like this is the fact that my tomatoes are lovin’ it!

The Kansas summer heat is the main reason we no longer have a boat. Once it got hot, the boat sat in the shed. We’d manage a couple fishing trips in the spring, from then on it merely took-up space. We’ve all heard the usual one-liners about how hot it is, but here are a few new ones I’ve come up with.

It’s so hot that I bought a cup of coffee at McDonalds and poured it over my lap to cool off.

It’s so hot that beer guts and big butts no longer keep people from wearing shorts.

It’s so hot that CRP now stands for Crispy Rotational Pasture.

It’s so hot that Congress actually have to take their hands out of our pockets to fan themselves.

It’s so hot that cattlemen have learned that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

I bought a dozen eggs at the store yesterday, and it was so hot that when I got home, I had a dozen chicks in the carton.

Its so hot that cows are giving evaporated milk.

There was a knock at the door the other day, and when I opened it there stood someone I’ve never met before asking if they could stick their head in our freezer for a couple minutes.

It’s so hot that the camels at the Sedgwick Co. Zoo want transferred to the Sahara Desert where it’s cooler.

It’s so hot that my niece’s pigs are complaining about sweating like fat humans.

I’m going to ask that the next time someone plans a pandemic, they wait till summer so I couldn’t care less about leavin’ the house anyway.

It’s so hot that the geese in the local park pond are now either “original recipe” or “extra crispy.”

And my personal favorite; It’s so hot that the Kansas Department of Wildlife, Parks and Tourism will be offering a new big game hunting license this year; it will be good for one camel, either sex!

Continue to Explore Kansas Outdoors.

Steve can be contacted by email at